I am the youngest among the 9 siblings. Typically, the youngest gets the most attention, affection, acceptance and affirmation. Sad to say, that was not my experience.  I felt I was a mistake, a nuisance and a bother. They were too tired of taking care of a large family and I would be left to the care of a nanny most of the time. My mom would often say to me “you are ugly, you stay home” or to my suitor, you are not suited for her, why not court her older sister because she is more beautiful than her. I was not only rejected by my parents but also my siblings. They would always tease me that my parents stopped having a child after me for fear they would get worst than me. As a young child, I carried a feeling of rejection, abandonment and deep shame into the core of who I was.

I experienced several episodes of abuse from people and some significant persons in my life. In grade 1, I was abused by 3 baggage boys, In Grade 4, a brother-in-law made a pass on me . In Grade 6, the tide turned as I was the one who touched a nephew’s private part. This act resulted to another abuse episode by this nephew. He almost raped me in my room. I was abducted and raped by a son of the general. I wanted to pursue a court case but was refrained by my siblings because of shame.

The most devastating experience had happened after the death of my Mom while I was still in my teens. My sister prodded me to sleep with my father and be his companion the night after my mom’s burial.  However, my Dad touched my private part.  Brief as it may, that left a deep mark on my being. I learned to hate myself. My body. What remained in my sense of worth and significance was shattered to great extent.

I grew up with a deep sense of insecurity as a person and as a woman. Because of my deep need to belong and accepted, I learned to put on the masks of a good girl, a bubbly one, and a perfect performer. On top of that, the depth of the pain due to the emptiness of my soul drove me to be boundary-less in relating, disempowered in my will to say no, and be emotionally dependent on others.

Disempowered to open up to someone, I tried ignoring the shameful feelings that constantly surface by numbing my emotions and drowning myself in sexual fantasy and masturbation.

Consequently, it paralyzed me from relating healthily with myself and others and obstructed me from being intimate with Father God. This intensified my embrace of the lie that I am not worthy to be loved, to belong, to be pursued and to be honored as a woman. It further made me feel so lonely, depressed, angry but Hungry for love and affirmation. I would easily fall to anyone who would give me attention and would say I’m beautiful.

I would look for affirmation and love through sex and it made me feel good about myself. If my boyfriend would need and accept me It’s heaven for me. I was looking to a person for my sense of worth, significance and identity.

 My healing journey began when I attended a healing a conference to seek help. My fiancé for three years just broke off with me and cancelled our wedding plans, six months before the big day.  He was not able to receive well my issues in the past that I shared to him. I was told that I can only become his wife if I process my issues with a counselor. Thus, my entry to the Living Waters Ministry program.

In Living waters, I realized that my pursuit of sex was empty and it’s a false intimacy. What I needed is His intimacy. I realized that my search for affirmation could only come from the one who created me and knows the depth of my pain and emptiness. My significant and identity is based on how he looks at me not on what others say I am.

It was only when I began to understand that I am a woman created in God’s image and that he longs to have a deeper relationship with me and He delights in me-that I began to experience freedom from my addiction.

It’s a daily battle, daily choice, Daily coming to the cross. I’m glad I married Jayvee and has stayed in this covenant. We are not perfect, but we have learned to see each others in the eyes of love and we make the cross as our first stop.

Becoming secure in God’s love and being empowered in my will were also key elements in my healing.

As I received prayers from my small group, accountability partners, counselor, and the trauma sessions I had, I feel I’m becoming more secure in His love, empowered and anchored deep within me.

Being in authentic relationships with others also had its place in my journey. Being a participant in the Living Waters program, I was given the opportunity to be in the company of real people. I am experiencing the freedom to lay down at the Cross the different faces that I wore in order to be acceptable to others. I had the courage to become real because these companions in the journey embraced me, accepted me, loved me, prayed for me, and blessed me. I was given the freedom to release all the emotions that I had kept hidden—my grief, my sorrow, my sadness, my anger, insecurities, my self-hatred. The Holy Spirit empowered me to choose to forgive my parents, siblings, abusers, myself and God.  I felt the chains that anchored me from living life fully breaking and falling.

Yes, to be continually healed from shame I need to look to Him, for He is the only one who really knows me very well. Psalm 34:5 says, “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

 What bliss it is to be free! Furthermore, I also felt how my fragmented self was coming to be reconnected and be glued back again and be whole. With some qualms within, I chose to walk this new path to healing and wholeness. I know it’s a process though, but the cost of this choice is nothing compared to the glory I am experiencing with my Father who continually satisfy me with His unconditional, unfailing love.



I am child #10 of 11, we were alphabetically named by our parents.

I grew up in a poor farming family in the South, experiencing hard work at an early age of 9. From time to time my father would accept carpentry job to help feed and support 11 of us, while Mother took care of the house and the care of 11 children. You can just imagine how difficult it was to live in a family like that in scarcity that sometimes I would go to sleep without having eaten anything.

My father was strict and disciplinarian. A man of few words, far and uninvolved. I can tell you that in the 34 years of my existence before he passed away, I can say that I only had less than 24 hours in total of remembering him spoke to me, or us having a conversation- and most of those were because I was being scolded, shamed, called names. His distance and silence in my life was unbearable.

He has no need of me, I was no use to him because I can’t drive a carabo (mag araro) or do hard work at the farm unlike my brothers. He told us women siblings that we are only good for the house work, no need for education because we are going to be married and be a housewife anyway.

I so wanted to go to school, so at the age of 13, I and my sister were sent to work in the city as housemaids (katulong) so we can go to school. I went to school in the morning, while my sister goes to school in the evening. We were paid with food and free housing in exchange for education.

As a young girl, I can never understand what was going on in my father’s heart. His harshness was not only directed to us, but most specially towards my mother. He would belittle my mother in front of us and would call her tanga-stupid, walang alam- no good and treated her like a katulong. My mother has no voice and would quietly and faithfully clean and laundry my father’s clothes, served him good meal, treated him like a king not out of love but out of fear.

I hated my Father for how he has treated my mother, and hated my Mom even more for being weak and submissive, for not fighting back. Father’s voice was the final authority and all of us are expected to bow in submission. This hatred was reinforced by my Mother’s harsh and hateful words about my father where she ingrained to us-that your father is no good., but this made me hate my mother for disrespecting my father. Do you realize how confusing it was for me? Not knowing who would I want to be like when I grow up.

VOWS from Parent’s

I told myself, I will never be like my mother. I will not be weak and so needy like how she needed my father. I will not let any men treat me like that. If men are harsh I should be harsher. I competed with men, what they can do I can do also. To stronger capable men, I gravitated, but with a distance safe enough and heart detached in fear of being hurt. To the women who are weak and needy, I looked at them with disgust ewww. And to the women who are strong and controlling- I fear them, I would admire them, but will not approach or befriend them. I grew up with this sense of confusion of who I really was as a woman.

I will not ask for help. I can provide for my own needs. I don’t need anyone. Unlike other people who grew up with best friends, I had no one. I don’t remember making friends in elementary, high school and college. I liked to be left alone and it stayed like that for a very long time.

During the course as a working high school to college, studying in the evening and katulong during the day, I was molested by my employer and a stranger I took the tricycle with going home from school. I told no one, even the sexual abuse of my brother when I was 7. This led me to believe that I am an object. Abusable, property to be discarded. I am just that. That is my only purpose. I have no worth.

I told myself, If that is the only thing you want from me, that is the only thing you will get from me. Not my heart, only that.

With no one to turn to I turned to church for comfort. Growing up as a Protestant, church was the only safe place and it became a refuge to me. It taught me to be good, serve and behave well. I wished at a young age of 7 to marry a pastor someday, and believed in this illusion that if I marry a pastor, I will be safe, I will be happy and loved.


That dream came true when I married my then seminary professor at the age of 23. I have this idea of marriage to a pastor as something that can provide safety, a place of honor, that he will be my prince, will rescue me and fix me and would love me and no harm will befall me.

We were pioneering a church in Makati and working with young professionals and youth in universities, camps and retreats at that time.

I came into marriage with him with this passion to reach the lost, serve the church, support him without any regard to my own needs. I am a wife and I am something because of him. Because I am good at doing, work I did.

Because my dream marriage was an illusion, it’s magic quickly disappeared. A few months after being married, my husband slowly turned into the very thing I hated about my father.

He worked full-time, 6 days a week, mostly 7 doing bible studies, meetings, traveling to speak if not in a retreat or camps, to another church, to a seminar or conference. Home was a refilling station where he can eat, sleep and unload ministry burdens to me.


Meanwhile, I became this super woman-pastor’s wife, that can never be seen weak and needy. I helped and supported him in everyway. I gave in to the church’s expectations of a pastor’s wife who cooks, teach Sunday school, teach the choir, do bible study, janitor, counselor, outreach leader, women’s ministry lead, etc.

My identity was defined by the roles the church expected me to become. To the church I am this super woman. Always ready to give an answer, a ready smile and a helping hand.

To my husband, I am the wife. I cook, did the laundry, the whole nine yards. My husband was so busy doing the ministry- that when he is at home, he has no more time for small talk. He would be dead tired, do his thing and then fall asleep.

He became this outrageously gregarious chatty person outside, but was a quiet, silent, un involved person I lived with who do not anymore desire to be physically intimate with me.

Oh, we talk sometimes, but it was all about his grievances, disappointments about church, people, etc. For him, I was just this thing, a shock absorber.

To talk about our hearts was a topic to be avoided.

I coined this idea that the ministry was the LEGAL wife and I was the mistress. I felt like I was always competing for a morsel of attention against this unseen enemy. When friends would ask us, how come we are childless, we tell, I tell them it’s because I have a reproductive problem. But the truth was, we weren’t physically intimate.

In my deep need for love and attention, I turned to pornography and learned to masturbate. It became a cycle of addiction, that even though I hated what I was doing I couldn’t stop myself. In my guilt I would stop for a week or two, read my bible, pray and pretend like nothing was wrong with me. But after a while, I would be at it again.

I became this desolate angry woman. I became exactly what I hated about my parents. I hated my husband’s silence and neglect of me, and became this weak, needy wife who allowed him to continually hurt me. I had no voice and couldn’t fight back.

We treated each other civilly, I continued to be his dutiful wife, but my heart was no longer there. I detached myself from him and created a wall where he can never access it again. To others, we were this perfect couple that loves and serve God, but we knew it was just all pretend.

10 years into a marriage like that, I became pregnant.The 9 months I was pregnant was the only time in our marriage I remembered being happy and loved. But as soon as I gave birth, we returned to our old ways of relating. It was during this time that we began to sleep in a separate bed.

I wanted to get help and tell someone, but I had no one to turn to. I was ashamed to let others know what was going on. We were ok and we don’t need help, that was his answer every time I would ask him if we can see a counselor. Di ko pa friend si Ate Carmen noon.

I continued to live in a desperate, depressed and angry state. I was so angry and my heart was so far out from God that I stopped going to church with him, and run away from anything that has to do with God.

I wanted to leave him and take my son with me, but was so afraid and ashamed of what our family would say and what it would cost the ministry. One night, in one of my crying bout, I told God that if he will not help us, one of us will have to die to end the misery we were at.

I painfully regretted that prayer, felt really guilty, and desperately begged God to bring my husband back, but His plan was greater than what I was begging Him of at that time. It bitterly ended suddenly, new year’s eve, 10 years ago when God took my husband to be with him after suffering from stroke. We were married for 13 years.


I was left with my 3 years old son, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go- I went back to the only thing I was good at. Doing. I had to keep moving for the sake of this boy depending on me. I needed to find a job, continue the youth ministry etc. I had to be strong. I told myself I can do it. I had to man up. I cannot be weak. Grieving can wait. 5 months later, a friend invited me to attend LW. Full of guilt and deep sorrow.

You know what came next right? I found myself in a company of broken people as I was, found a safe place, where I can finally bare my heart out and I will not be judged.

God began a work of repairing me. He started by forming my identity. He introduced himself to me as a FATHER, unlike my earthly father. That he sees me, and hears me, and that He will not snap at me when I do wrong, that he is available and can be talked to. That I am loved and delighted upon.

I repented of the ways I have judged and hated my parents. I renounced the lies I have believed about myself. I declared and claimed the truth of who I really am. My father was the first on my list of people to forgive. My husband, then those who have sexually abused me, then the church, God and myself.

In one of the LW retreat that I attended where I gave my testimony, Toni Dolfo, the sort of like the Andy then …hugged and embraced me so tightly- and that was the first time I ever felt the hug of a father. A surge of love from God the father flowed all over me and reached the heart that was hardened and was made dead by the lack of earthly father’s love.

My healing journey is like building a house where God laid the foundation first. My identity as a daughter loved by the Father was foundational in my healing journey. He spoke of my womanhood as a gift and design. He taught me how to relate to men not from a stance of defensiveness but of vulnerability, and yes there is a risk of being hurt again, but he took care of that by teaching me how to create a healthy boundary.

Men from LW became such allies and friend, a masculine presence that was ready to protect and cover me and my son. They provided godly masculine way of relating to me, that in turn helped me to trust and be vulnerable without the fear of being used and tramped upon.

God gave me back my voice. He taught me how to say YES and NO. How to rest and just BE.

I have repented of the hatred and judgment I had towards those I perceived as weak women. I now enjoy healthy friendships with them without the fear of being overwhelmed and the sense of competition. I am now able to receive compliments, without the urge of returning the compliment, but just say thank you

I am now enjoying deeper friendships with both men and women and have a few BFF’s too. I just made another BFF 2 days ago. I formed deeper friendships with men, without suspicion and self protection. Even deeper friendships with women whom I can be vulnerable. They spoke blessings to me and they were life giving. They became faces of God to me, with skin on.

I have since repented of the ways I have dishonored my husband by withholding my heart from him, I repented of the many ways I have judged him and emasculated him. I forgave him of his neglect and silence.

Grieving came in waves. Forgiveness too. But forgiving God took the longest. It’s not that God needed forgiving, but I knew I had to forgive him for my sake. I knew that I needed to repent of the ways I have sinned against him, of how I dishonored him and judged him like the men in my life. For his silence. He could have waved a magic wand to make all the bad things in my life disappear, but he didn’t. He told me, that even when he will not remove the pain, He will stay with me in my pain which He did.7 years ago, God showed me that although I have forgiven my husband many times, I haven’t really said goodbye to him and released him. I still blame him for dying just like that, and left me and my son and to deal with life alone. I still hold him accountable for my pain. I knew God was inviting me to another layer of healing. I needed to make peace with my husband. I found myself crying while holding my husband’s urn, and just began to bless him and thank him for the many ways he has loved my son and I, for being a good provider and a loving father, and blessed the good in him, his gifts, and released him back to God.

In an instant I felt this long tie of rope was cut, and I was released to embracing fully my widowhood, a woman no longer in the shadow of her husband. I had my own identity, no longer defined by its title- a Pastor’s Wife.

Last year, as a symbol and rite of passage for my son entering adulthood and to bless his masculinity- with some friends, we finally buried my husband’s ashes. Laying him down to rest deepened even more our healing. I wish I could change what happened to us, but my husband received his full healing and at peace with the Father, and I continue to receive mine here.

That year too, came the most wonderful surprise a woman can ever received. It came at the season of my life where I am in a place of fullness. Life wasn’t perfect but it was good.

God not only redeemed and restored fully, but has added an extra bonus. Last March 25, I got married to a wonderful man named Mike. He is a Pastor.

I came in to Living Waters because my husband died-and God met me there. This year will be my last year with LWP as my son and I will be joining my husband in another country,

I am leaving having been made whole enough, deeply loved by the father and by my community, able to love not from a place of neediness, defensiveness, self protection and fear, but from a place of trust and vulnerability, trusting that even when there is a risk of being hurt again, God has formed me and made me ready for the next season of my healing journey.

I am  child # 1, named by my Father in heaven, a woman deeply loved by Him.






















Growing up in the church although coupled with abuse, I still thought I knew what healthy boundaries were. Mom and dad were whole heartedly committed to the church which was admired by many. But I always knew something about their commitment left them and us children vulnerable to unnecessary pain and hurt. It was hard for me to know where the church members ended and we as a family began but I trusted that was the way we were meant to serve. Mom and dad were always available for the needs of the church and nothing seemed more “Christlike” and “humble” yet I never really knew who my parents were.  I was also convinced as a child that healthy boundaries included… Being best friends with my mom, feeling responsible for her feelings, and taking care of those emotional needs she was not taking responsibility for herself which created great lack in her, (if she was upset I knew exactly what to do to make her feel better and was quick to do it) I thought healthy boundaries was doing things for others even if they were done out of the place of my need for acceptance and validation. As I became aware of my woundedness, I would share all of my story, all of the time, to everyone. I even sexualized my need for comfort and acceptance by acting out in sexual promiscuity.  But the reality was I didn’t know where I began and others ended. I didn’t know where I ended and others began. I was what everyone else needed and was quite proud of that flexibility what I thought was being quite spiritual. I gave all of myself away to others and as relationship after relationship failed and I was always feeling hurt, resentful, and entitled, I began to realize I didn’t know who I was outside of the label a Preachers daughter. I began to realize that becoming what I thought others wanted really wasn’t what would bring to a relationship that which was needed for it to endure. It was not who I truly was or am. I found myself becoming even more insecure which in turn lead to more addictive sexual acting out whether it be by masturbating or in sexually promiscuous relationships with men as well as a woman, at one point. I discovered, with time, those lines which are truly healthy boundaries were blurred and actually most had been erased. I finally decided I was not happy with the temporary relief and false affirmation which came from how I was doing life. I wanted to be able to stand on my own in relationships without having to figure out what I thought others wanted. I was tired of feeling resentful. Of always falling short of the expectations of others and defining myself by this. So… I took a step. I created a healthy distance when mom and others were upset, and found that nothing bad would happen to them when I didn’t take care of their feelings and needs, I began to be honest with myself and others by saying no to things, which came from that place of longing for affirmation and acceptance. I began saying no to opportunities which would lead to sexual acting out. I began to say yes to the truth of how I was really feeling. I began to discover and enjoy who I really was in the moment. I began to realize that denying myself, as Jesus says, didn’t mean denying who He created me to be or my personhood for another but in discovering who God made me to be and giving myself to Him.  I found that in loving the woman He created me to be, I could actually give more authentically of who I am. I could set boundaries, such as taking time out just for myself, which actually strengthened relationships. I actually felt I was becoming a contributing part of relationships not just as an empty shell who was trying to give out of nothing in order to make another happy. I actually began engaging with others, coming to them as more of a whole person…now some didn’t like the changes, of course, but I realized I needed to be ok with the potential loss of some of the relationships because when dynamics change in a relationship, some people aren’t able to embrace the change. It was painful and continues to be as it still happens but walking through the grief and loss continues to be another beautiful way of learning who I am. I daily walk out the setting of appropriate boundaries and sometimes I do better than others but I learn more with each time and continue to become stronger and more and more authentic, really knowing, acknowledging, and loving who God created me to be while then sharing this gift with others!


Langit sa lupa. Langit hindi impiyerno. Saya, di lungkot at dusa. Pagmamahal di
pag-abandona. Kasaganaan di kakulangan. Yan ang pangarap kong langit. Sa edad na
7 taong gulang, pinangarap kong mag asawa ng Pastor. Para sa akin, ang pamilya ng
pastor ang pinakamasaya at pinaka huwarang pamilya.
Palibhasa, kahit sa murang edad alam ko na na mayroong hindi tama sa aking
pamilya. Simbahan ang aking taguan at ramdam ko na ligtas ako pagka ako’y narito.
Kahit sandali man lang makatakas sa malungkot at magulong kalagayan, kaya’t para
sa akin, langit ang simbahan.
Sa bahay kasi, impiyerno. Si tatay laging galit, di makausap o malapitan. Si nanay,
laging nakasigaw, dumadaing tungkol kay tatay, at puno ng problema paano
bubuhayin at pag aaralin ang mga anak. Bihira rin ang araw na di nag aaway ang
nanay at tatay.
Palagi kong tinatanong dati, bakit ang taas ng langit? Bakit di ko maabot para doon
na lang ako magtago. Gusto kong lumayas di ko naman magawa kasi isa lang akong
bata. 13 ako ng umalis ako sa amin, upang magtrabaho at sarili pag-aralin. Ang sabi
ko sa sarili ko siguro pag wala na ako sa amin, makikita ko na ang langit na mithiin.
Nagkamali ako. Lalong hirap at sakit ang naranasan ko galing sa pang aabuso ng
amo at ng estranghero. Di ko naikwento kahit kanino pangyayaring ito. Ang tatay ko
walang pake ng magpaalam akong sa Maynila tutungo dahil natanggap akong iskolar
sa seminaryo.
Mag aral sa seminaryo ang maglingkod sa ministeryo dahil ang alam ko andoon ang
langit na hanap ko. Doon sa seminaryo si pastor napangasawa ko. Sa wakas ,
magiging masaya na rin ako. Hindi ba’t natupad na ang langit na pinapangarap ko.
Isang mabait, may takot sa Diyos, mapagmahal na tao. Buo na ang langit ko.
Masaya nga oo. Ngunit panandaliaan lamang pala ito. Dalawang taong magkaiba ang
mundo pinagsama lalong nagkagulo. Ako hinahanap ang pagmamahal na di natamo
mula sa tatay ko sa asawa ko. Ang asawa ko, hinahanap sa akin ang nanay nyang
nang iwan sa kanya ng siya’y walo. Kahit wala kaming maibigay pareho , pinilit ko
pa ring maging perpekto. The perfect pastor’s wife, yan ang tag-line ko.
Ang pagiging asawa ng pastor pala ay parang pasan mo ang mundo. Pagsisilbi sa
asawa at sa simbahan ng todo todo. Bawal magreklamo, lahat ng marinig mong
salita masakit man ito lusot lang sa magkabilang tenga mo. Bawal ang sumimangot o
kaya noo’y kumunot.
Ang pastor ang tinawag sa iglesia, pero 2 in one pinagkasya. Janitor, tagaluto,
teacher, counselor, prayer leader. Superwoman ako. Dahil , ginusto ko ito lahat
nilunok ko. Intriga, tsimis, puna pati pananamit ko, tinanggap lahat wag lang
Habang si pastor, busy sa ministeryo, umulan, umaraw man o bumagyo . Sabi ko nga
sa sarili ko, hindi kaya ang ministeryo ang asawang totoo at mistress lang ako?
Dito nagsimulang mabuo ang galit ko, bakit parang naglalaho ang langit ko. Di na rin
kami nakakapag usap ng totoo, ang puso ko di ko na maibukas ng todo. Wala na ring
panahong magsiping dahil laging pagod at ministeryo ang kapiling.
Ang pagmamahal na hanap ko, pinunan sa sariling paraan ko.. Dito ako’y natutong
mag masturbate at mag pornographo. Nagsimulang lumayo sa Dios ang loob ko, sa
simbahan ako’y nanloko. Akala ng marami, banal at totoo, pero yun pala’y huwad
ang pagkatao.
Alam kong kasalanan at mali ito, nguni’t pagkatapos magsisi at mangakong
magbabago, uuliting muli makaraan ang ilang linggo. Oo ngat pansamantalang
lungkot naiibsan, ngunit kapalit naman hinagpis at kalungkutan. Nagpatuloy ang
doble karang buhay, lalong lumalim ang pagkakabaon sa hukay. Pinilit makaahon,
ngunit di makabangon.
Gusto kong magsumbong, kanino at sino ang tutugon? Nakakahiya, baka ako’y
isumpa. Samantala, ang Dios sa buhay ko’y nawala. Ako ay lumayo , Dios bakit
hinayaan mong langit ko ay maglaho.
Maraming taon ang lumipas ng ganitong buhay, dumating ang anak na hinihintay.
Pansamantalang, sumilip ang langit. Nagkaroon ng kulay aming matamlay na buhay.
Ngunit di naglaon, dating pakikipagrelasyon, bumalik sa dating sitwasyon.
Panahon sa ministeryoy muling ginugol, sa anak pag-aruga koy iniukol. Buhay mo,
buhay ko, higaan mo higaan ko. Pagmamahal sa asawa’y naglaho na rin oo. Ganito na
lamang ba, langit ba o dusa? Akala ko’y langit, bakit parang impiyerno na.
Nagpatuloy ang pag ikot ng sikretong buhay ko. Natutong mamuhi sa Dios at sa tao,
at sa asawa ko nama’y lumayo na ang loob ko. Gusto kong humiwalay ngunit takot
naman ako, masisira ang ministeryo at sasabihin ng tao’y ano?
Dios ko, tulungan mo kung naririnig mo pa ako, bakit parang malayo ka at di naman
totoo. Ayusin mo naman ang buhay kong ito, kung di naman ang isa sa ami’y kunin
mo na, sambit ko.
Hanggang isang araw dumating nga ito. Asawa ko’y lumisan kami ng anak ko’y
iniwan. Na stroke. Biglaan, walang paalam, bakit, ano, paano at saan, Dios ko wag
mo kaming pabayaan.
Ilang buwan makalipas ang kanyang pagpanaw, isang liwanag aking natanaw.
Agos ng Buhay, dumaloy, umalalay.
Sa wakas, pagdurusa’y tila magwawakas. Lahat ng baho at alingasngas ibinulalas.
Akala mo ba sila’y iiwas? Aba hindi, bagkos tinanggap. Abuse, sexual addiction,
father wound ,mother wound, unforgiveness, anger, fear, idolatry, lahat mayroon
akong entry.
Dito ko nakita, buhay ko pala’y may pag asa. Pinatawad sa sala, pasanin ko’y binuhat
Nya. Hindi isang kuwentong si Jesus sa Bibliya lamang binabasa. Mahal ako ng Ama,
kailanma’y di nag iba. Hindi pala sya malayo at di galit, katulad ng aking iginigiit
Natuto akong magpatawad sa mga taong nakasugat. Si tatay, si nanay, si pastor at
ang simbahan. Maraming beses, paulit ulit. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon
pagpapatawad pa rin. Ang ginamit kong pantakip sa lungkot na dinanas, sa krus
doon iniaalay, upang kaylanma’y di na maging karamay.
Mga sugat na nabaon sa limot, muling binuksan at kinalikot. Lahat pinaubaya sa
Amang dakila. Natutunan ko ring sariliy patawarin. Kahit ang Dios Ama’y pinatawad
ko rin. Ang sabi ko bakit hinayaan mong pasakit? Bakit hinayaan mong ako’y maging
adik. Di ka man lang umimik , o kaya’y nagmadyik. Tinanong ko lahat ng bakit, sama
ng loob koy sinambit. Ang ama ko sa langit, tinanggap lahat ng panlalait.
Lalo kong naramdaman, pagmamahal na dati’y di ko alam.
Mahabang panahon mula noon hanggang ngayon, ang ginugol na panahon sa mga
sugat upang maghilom. Balde baldeng luha, iba ibang mukha, ng mga kapwa
sugatang sumama, sa aking paglalakbay ang ginamit ng Dios na buhay, upang pagibig
nya’y dumaloy sa sa aking buhay.
Sa wakas langit na nga ba?
Kung akala nyo’y dito natatapos, ang hanap kong langit, puwes, hayaan mong
ilusyon nyo’y masungkit.
Ang addiction nag iiba iba lang ng anyo, habang ang pagmamahal na hanap mo’y
pilit mong pinupuno. Ministry, pagkain, shopping, relasyon, kayamanan, instagram,
facebook o twitter man. Hangga’t di mo binubusog ang gutom mo sa pag irog, ng
Dios amang sya lamang tugon sa gutom at uhaw mong umaalon.
Patuloy kang iinom sa Agos ng Buhay, upang sa iyong paglalakbay mapatid ang
iyong uhaw. Patuloy na pagkain sa pagkaing kanyang hain. Katawan at dugo ni Jesus
ang syang iyong kainin.
Noong nakaraang Mayo, mapalad akong nasa tabi ng ina ko’y pumanaw.
Nakapagpasalamat ako sa pagmamahal nyang ibinigay, sa katawang nag aruga at
nag alaga.
Pagkatapos ng lamay, isang sulat sa baul nabuklat, talambuhay ng aking Inay para
sa amin, 11 isang anak na mahal. Doon isinulat, buhay na ipinaminulat, kuwento ng
pagsisikap, itaguyod ang mga anak. Isang katotohananng aking nalaman, Ang nanay
at tatay ako pala’y mahal naman.
Alam kong panaho’y magbabago. Tukso at pagsubok laging uusyoso. Masasaktan,
malulungkot, magkukulang, gagapang.
Subali’t ngayo’y sapat na muna ang Pag-ibig ng Ama, upang baunin ito sa susunod
na kabanata.
Hayaan nyong tapusin ko ang kuwento ko sa isang panalanging tumitibok sa king
damdamin, at minumuni muning ulit-ulitin.
Hindi sa langit mong pangako sa akin
Ako naakit na Kita’y mahalin
At hindi sa apo’y kahit anong lagim
Ako mapipilit nginig kang sambahin.
Naakit akong ika’y mamalas
Nakapako sa Krus hinamak hamak
At nang tinanggap Mong kamataya’y libak
Naakit ako sayong pag-ibig
Kaya’t mahal kita, KAHIT WALANG LANGIT
Kahi’t walang apoy, sa Yo’y manginginig
Huwag nang mag abala upang ibigin ka
Pagka’t kung pag-asa’y bula lamang pala
Walang mababago, mahal pa rin kita.

Jinky B., professional blogger; struggled with unforgiveness:

I came to Living Waters because of unforgiveness. My husband committed adultery and I was set on pursuing annulment. I refused to settle for a life with an endless cycle of infidelity.

But through the teachings and ministry time, I was able to identify my own brokenness that snowballed from a child’s heart badly battered by rejection from my parents, to the ultimate rejection in what I thought was a “godly marriage”.

Living Waters showed me how the Lord loves me so much that He refuses to leave me in the condition I was in. He made me see my wounds as they were — bitterness and unforgiveness that were by-products of rejection. The weekly meetings helped me receive Jesus’ healing balm. My scars have ceased to catch on things the way they used to. My life verse, (Luke 10:42 “But only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”), has since has taken on a brand new, fresh meaning. Slowly, I learned to forgive my husband.

Today, we both continue to keep our eyes on the Cross to receive God’s unlimited grace in our marriage like never before.

Max E., Male Professional from Bulacan; struggled with sexual addiction:

I struggled with homosexual tendencies and sexual addictions which manifested through anonymous sexual encounters, compulsive masturbation and pornography. I had been living in a cycle of depression, self-condemnation and deep shame. I attempted to kill myself a number of times. I was cynical toward life and God. All these apparently stemmed from abandonment, neglect and emotional abuse from my parents.

Through the LW Program, God firmly yet gently let me know and feel that He is always willing to meet me just as I am, where I’m at. Through the teachings and testimonies of others, God spoke to me, each time slowly melting my cynicism. He revealed the true and deep longings of my heart. Through listening prayer, God exposed the depth of my sinful ways. But more importantly, God revealed the greater reality of His love, compassion and genuine desire to rescue me. I also discovered that in confessing my sins to others and allowing myself to be known, Christ’s power is released and sin’s grasp over me is destroyed.

Prior to LW, I saw myself at a dead-end ready to accept defeat. But I’m glad that I took the chance. In one of the Program nights, I received, perhaps, the biggest breakthrough of my life: the truth that I am God’s good gift. This has since become the cornerstone, through which, I am being enabled to see my true self.

Now, I am equipped to make the right choices towards the life that Jesus offers. God has made His hope and freedom very, very real to me.

Sonia C., Bank Executive and Ministry Leader from Quezon City; struggled with past abusive relationships:

I was living a disconnected life. On the outside, I was a “good” Christian girl, and a core leader in the ministry. I had a beautiful career in banking industry. But behind closed doors I was a wretch, consumed by guilt of sexual sins and ashamed of broken and abusive heterosexual relationships.

I was flooded with insecurities and the feeling of being unloved, insignificant and inadequate. After my last relationship, I was in “abstinence” for almost 3 years, I thought ‘wow I was okay! But again I had a sexual fall. I had a one-night stand with a pastor’s son. When the weight of all my sins hit me, I cried unto the Lord and came to Living Waters.

As I attended the program God showed me that He is a Father who is so real and so patient with me. Every time I am prayed over, I see and feel Jesus embracing and holding me, speaking words of hope and promises of victory. At one time I received a picture of Jesus giving me a new white robe.

I understand now that healing is a journey and a process that should be embraced with Jesus. Living Waters is a God-given channel where His grace and love and majesty and power abounds.

Martin B., Senior Pastor from La Union; struggled with a double life:

At the tender age of 10 I started feeling unloved and rejected. My dad left to work abroad and I struggled to comprehend why. Growing up under my mom’s care did not help ease the feeling. One day, I overheard my mother saying I was not a legitimate child –that I was a son of a Chinese family, thrown in a garbage. I knew it was a joke but I believed what I heard. I grew up with a strong sense of rejection and a deep sense of inferiority.

I had a hard time making firm decisions. I was shy and easily intimidated. I never took risks and was afraid of failure. I became passive — shunning any responsibility. I tried to resolve these inner struggle by projecting the image of a “worldly man”. I got myself into many vices. I showed off how I was really intimate with women or committed fornication.

Then I met the Lord and went into full time Christian ministry. Even so, I was still living a double life — a pious servant on the outside but struggling with many hidden sins on the inside.

I thank God I joined Living Waters. It is so inspiring and transformational. It made me realize my utter dependence on God, my hunger of love that can only be found in Him. I had the opportunity to finally deal with my issues and undergo a deeper process of healing.

In LW God also affirmed my masculinity. He strengthened me to overcome my weaknesses. He assured me of who I am in His eyes —- that I am His beloved. I know God is not yet finished with the work in me. I thank God for granting me a support group, for our church leaders, and for my wife with whom I have become truly accountable by honestly confessing my sins and struggles. With my community always ready listen, I feel more secure in God’s love, able to hold fast to the hope that I have in the Lord.

Lemuel’s Testimony

I had always thought that same-sex attraction is a gender that God created. Though my faith and values says it’s wrong, I treasured those feelings in my heart. My family instilled in me that being homosexual is bad and wrong. But that idea caused me even more confusion. I tried to resolve the confusion all by myself but it became a cycle that always ends up in failure. It came to the point that I already accepted it as what God wanted me to be.Continue reading

Marty’s Testimony

Thanks for providing the telephone connection between Jesus and us. Hirap na hirap akong makakuha ng signal at clear reception this last year, may forgiveness issues pala ako at isang malaking pader. Really glad that’s been NAILED to the cross. I feel like I lost weight. My wife, parang naka glasses tapos nabalik sa 20/20.

Evangelical Christian and Businessman