I had always thought that same-sex attraction is a gender that God created. Though my faith and values says it’s wrong, I treasured those feelings in my heart. My family instilled in me that being homosexual is bad and wrong. But that idea caused me even more confusion. I tried to resolve the confusion all by myself but it became a cycle that always ends up in failure. It came to the point that I already accepted it as what God wanted me to be.
But even though as I accepted my condition, my heart knew that it was wrong. The turmoil within became strong that it made me a loner. I detached from my social environment. This became my defense mechanism so that others will not know the real me. As others became alienated from me, God also became alienated from me. This opened the doors to my addiction to pornography and masturbation. My isolation gave me the intense desire for popularity and earthly materials. I always wanted to be on top of our class. In my work I always want to have the highest earnings. Without this I felt I was nothing. In my work I sacrificed everything: my family, my friends and even my faith in God just to be successful.
Then I reached a crossroad in my life —- what life will I pursue. With the wealth in my pocket what will I choose? Will it be the homosexual lifestyle or the other way which for me is foreign and remote. I thank God He directed me to my counselor who told me about Cross Current.
Cross Current (together with my counselor, my support group, my psychologist and the online course) has done a lot of solid changes in my life. I learned to deal with weak relationship with my family since I was a child, specially my distant relationship with my father and my brother. I dealt with the sexual abuse by my playmate when I was 4 yrs. old. These were some of the reasons of who I am today. Like medicine, one cannot be healed without knowing the root cause. God, through the Cross Current, revealed the reasons why I have these feelings. And despite these weaknesses in my past He has come to fill me as I let Him come into my life. From my brokenness, healing started. This is what I have been praying all along.
I thank God for Cross Current. The team was truly used by God as His instrument to transform me. I have learned that only through Him, with Him and in Him can real healing take place. As I continue my journey I have learned: to entrust Him my past and accept that it was His will for me; to surrender to Him my future for I know that His plan for me is perfect and the most important is to enjoy my present.
31 years old
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