By: Ron Citlau

We live in a world soaked in sexuality. Shows like Desperate Housewives, Friends, Sex in the City and networks like MTV all portray a way of living that is sexually promiscuous and loving every second of it. The culture has bought the lie that sex without commitment has contentment in it. One would think the church would be a place to find some sexual sanity in a sexually insane world. Think again. The church, Christ’s Bride, which is supposed to be an alternative to a sin-sick  culture finds herself sickened. Consider these statistics:

Fifty-one percent (51%) of pastors say cyber-porn is a possible temptation. Thirty –seven (37%) say it is a current struggle. (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, December 2001)

Nearly eighteen percent (17.8%) of all “born again” Christian Adults in America have visited a sexually oriented website. (Zogby survey conducted for Focus on the Family, 2000)

Sixty-three percent (63%) of men attending “Men, Romance & Integrity Seminars” admit to struggling with porn in the past year. Two-thirds (66%) are in church leadership and 10% are pastors. (Pastor’s Family Bulletin, Focus on the Family, March 2000)

One in seven calls to Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Care Hotline is about internet pornography. (Pastor’s Family Bulletin, Focus on the Family, March 2000) Forty-seven percent (47%) of Christians admit that pornography is a major problem in their homes. (Internet Filter Review, “Pornography Statistics 2003”)1 in 5 born –again Christians believe that viewing magazines with nudity and sexually explicit pictures is morally acceptable. (Barna research Group, “Morality Continues to Decay,” 11/3/2003)

Statistics compiled by www.Bebroken.com

The bride whose calling is to purity and holiness is being defiled by sexual sin. Good men, who love Jesus are being lost. Sex addiction has weakened the church, tarnished her beauty, and has neutralized the power of her testimony to a lost and dying world.

As he always does, Jesus is coming to the aid of Hid precious bride. In His mercy, He is bringing purity to His church. He will have a bride that is spotless and without blemish; he will have a bride that dazzles creation with her beauty. He will have a bride that is the salt and light of the world. He has put His reputation on it.

Bread from Heaven?

Men caught up in sex addiction are filling good desire with bad food. It reminds me of a season of temptation I had during a fast. I entered the fast and felt good. The first day I felt holy and pure, like a spiritual giant.

I went to bed but woke up starving. Consumed with thoughts about my refrigerator, I thought of what I could eat, what I could have. As I opened the door, my mouth watered. I WANTED TO EAT!!!

At that moment of decision, as my body ached for food, I heard the Lord say, in a whisper, “Come away with me”. Now I’m not noble and can’t tell you why I did what I did, but I shut the refrigerator door and went and sat on my couch. As I sat on my couch, in the darkness of night, I felt His mercy over me.

In a few moments the Lord gave me something I did not have before. I physically felt His mercy. Before that moment I was uneasy and anxious; but as He came close, the unsettling feelings gave way to His rest. And in His rest and mercy, I felt satisfied. God met me and filled me with food from heaven.

On reflection, I realized my hunger for food and for pornography was veiled, exaggerated hunger. I was actually hungry for Him.

Human Connection

God isn’t the only thing we rightfully hunger for. We are also hungry for human connection. We are made to connect emotionally, spiritually and yes, sexually with others. (though I can’t go in it here; suffice it to say that it is only in committed heterosexual marriage that sex finds its proper place). Our humanity demands connection.

Adam was created with a need for woman. “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18).” We are meant to connect; we are meant to find satisfaction in our human relationships.

Sex addiction is simply taking the good hunger for God and others and filling it with food that can never satisfy. You can look at pornography all you want but it will never satisfy your hunger for God.

Sex addiction makes life go from bad to worse. Before long the high of lust becomes habitual; sexual release is needed to feel normal. “The brain actually adapts and hardens into set ways of handling environment stimuli. New neuronal grooves are formed. This is the basis for forming…powerful addictive habits” (Falling Forward, 21)

The results of filling good hungers with bad food repetitively are disastrous.

Sex can kill

Illicit sexuality destroys the soul. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body” (I Corinthians 6:18) . Sexual lust damages our humanity. You see this in the ravages of sex addiction.

A man begins by looking at pornography. It hooks him. Before long, the porn has to be more illicit, darker and more edgy in order to arouse. After a while, pornography nolonger does it for him. He must now start using humans to fulfill his need. But even simple ses, over time, is not enough. Before long he becomes predator like, beastly. He acts without will or reason. In his sexuality, he ceases to be human.

Make no mistake, sex addiction will bear bitter fruit, the fruit of unrighteousness-rebellion, hate perversion, indecency, lack of self-control, envy, strife, and a heart that cannot love.

It’s not hard not to see how a person allowing this kind of fruit to grow in him will wreak havoc in those relationships closest to him. Marriages are destroyed; children lose parents to darkness. In the worst case scenarios we hear of men on the “news” who have done deplorable things to the most innocent among us.

Sex addiction has grave consequences. Looking at pornography is not some harmless activity. It dulls and kills all those who worship at its altars.

Beyond the damage it inflicts to our human relationships, it is idolatry. When we actively and repetitively live a life of sex addiction; we worship dark gods who love our adoration. This kind of worship angers God to judgment (See Colossians 3:5-6)

How to Get Free

If you are dealing with sex addiction, no doubt you feel like a slave. In many respects you are. Thankfully, Jesus makes a clear path to freedom to anyone who desires purity.

First things first, you need to acknowledge to God that you’re powerless. Men dealing with sex addiction must come to the place where they see just as idol worship and accept that this worship has been nothing but disastrous. A man dealing with sex addiction must admit that his life has become unmanageable. This is commonly referred to as hitting rock bottom.

I remember the night this happened for me. Over eight years ago, I sat in my garage and wept as I thought of what I had become. Sexual addiction had taken me to such terrible darkness in though and deed that my humanity was almost lost.

That night through God’s great grace, my conscience  awoke. By the Spirit, I finally wanted a different kind of life. I cried out for mercy. He heard me. Within weeks, I had moved into a tight-knit, Christian community and my life has never been the same.

Once we cry to God, we must confess our sins to our brother. There is no skirting this step if you want freedom. James tells us to confess our sin one to another so that we might be healed (see james 5:16, also see I John 1:9). You want healing and freedom in your life? Confess.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, ‘in confession a man breaks through to certainty. Why is that it is often easier for us to confess our sins to God than to a brother? Why should we not find it easier to go to a brother than to the holy God? But if we do, we must ask ourselves whether we have not often been deceiving ourselves with our confession of sin to God, whether we have not rather been confessing our sin to ourselves and also granting ourselves absolution” (“life Together,” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, pg 115-116).

Confession to a brother brings the reality of grace into our actual lives. Otherwise, we are in danger of living in a delusion that we are in grace when in fact we are not. Confession is not a one-time act but  a way of life. For those bound by sex addiction, freedom demands that confession becomes this way of life. You must find one or two brothers and commit to be accountable to them weekly (or even daily if it’s needed). Do this and you will find new life.

More action on your part will also be needed. You must find ways to practically apply grace into your everyday life. This can most easily be done through spiritual disciplines.

Spiritual disciplines hold the grace necessary to get free from sex addiction. What disciplines should you practice? There is no one answer and each person is different. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

But there does seem to be some disciplines that are quite helpful in breaking the addictive cycle and bringing freedom (I am indebted to the extensive work of Dallas Willard concerning spiritual disciplines and how they, through the Spirit, renovate us at the core of our being.):

§  Scripture Memorization- putting our thoughts on Him, transforming our mind by focusing on His Kingdom (see Psalm 16, Colossians 3, Romans 5)

§  Community- hanging out with those people that are going the same was as us (much can be said for the helpfulness of focused groups of purity like Salt and Men Pursuing Purity in creating communities that support one another towards the common goal of purity)

§  Solitude- finding Him in the midst of aloneness and chaos

§  Fasting- feeding off the manna from heaven

§  Prayer- the great furnace that changes the heart.

Obviously this isn’t a complete list and much, much more could be said. But anyone with vision  for purity and the intention to do the hard work of discipleship will find in theses  Spirit-filled disciplines the means of freedom and purity.

Going Deeper

This is just the beginning. Once a year start getting some sobriety, the Lord calls you inot the deep places of healing. Our addictions are more than mere choices; they are complicated, repetitive decisions that are fueled by wounds, abuse and shame. To really find lasting freedom, the addict must be willing in Christ to face these deep, painful places.

For me, healing has meant looking at the profound role my father has played in my life, both good and bad. He is a good Christian man who is also addictive, passive and distant. He desires the very best for me and sincerely loves me and yet has never really known how to father me. His fathering (or lack of it) has helped shape my soul and has contributed to my addictive tendencies.

I am learning my Father in Heaven’s heart for me. And I have had to face, accept, and forgive the real limitations of my earthly father. This has been hard. There are times it seems like more work than it’s worth. But as I wait with the Lord in these difficult areas, I am finding healing. I am learning to receive the good my earthly father has to give and I am receiving from God and community those things I have never gotten from my dad.

The healing I am receiving is having far-reaching effects. His gentle love is making me a man that loves well. As I receive His love, I am better able to love my wife, son and the community God has given me. He is doing much more than merely helping me stop doing sinful things. He is radically healing my heart.

This deep healing takes time. It doesn’t usually happen in a one-time experience. Nor does healing come through human striving. Deep healing comes as we learn to receive His great and awesome love. I have received this love through healing prayer, personal devotion and the Lord sovereignly breaking in. It is this love that is healing my wounds, binding my broken heart and is restoring me to wholeness. He does the same for all who pursue His father heart.

Conclusion

God desires to have a people free from lust, full of purity and whole enough to love Him and others well. He will have it. In men like you and me, He is bringing about His purposes. He is creating a pure and spotless bride.